Being crazy

Being crazy is not knowing how to plan.

Being crazy is not knowing how to count on yourself.

Being crazy is not knowing when or how to turn to your friends and family.

Being crazy is not knowing which facet of you is going to wake up with you in the morning.

Being crazy is not trusting your observations or conclusions, even when you’re concluding something that seems completely factual.

Being crazy is constantly second-guessing your unconscious thoughts.

Being crazy is having a strictly-defined taxonomy of “insane”, “crazy”, “irrational”, “depressed”, “manic”, and “I think I’m alright?”, and always trying to measure where you are.

Being crazy is being poor.

Being crazy is being homeless.

Being crazy is wondering if you stink, and how much.

Being crazy is knowing you stink, and have that be on the list of today’s problems you can’t fix.

Being crazy is skipping opportunities for better hygiene, and having absolutely no idea why.

Being crazy is not being able to tell people what’s on your mind.

Being crazy is not being trusted.

Being crazy is watching facial expressions and body language 24/7, trying to understand what your friends never say.

Being crazy is usually getting that wrong without knowing it.

Being crazy is scaring the hell out of the people who love you.

Being crazy is scaring away the people who love you.

Being crazy is not being able to explain what the people who love you should be scared of, and what they shouldn’t.

Being crazy is being scared.

Being crazy is rage.

Being crazy is self-hatred.

Being crazy is self-hatred because you’re angry and self-hating.

Being crazy is not understanding yourself or your actions.

Being crazy is having decades of bad track records.

Being crazy is being told you have a bad track record, as if this is news to you.

Being crazy is well-meaning people who are completely, painfully, thoughtlessly clueless.

Being crazy is getting bad advice.

Being crazy is getting good advice that is totally impossible.

Being crazy is mistaking good advice for bad, and vice versa.

Being crazy is getting constant advice that is a variation of saying, “Just be more rational.”

Being crazy is exposure to people who don’t give a shit that you’re crazy.

Being crazy is trying to pass for healthy in public, and never quite knowing whether you’ve succeeded.

Being crazy is spending time with other irrational people, usually people who are differently irrational than you are.

Being crazy is hopelessness.

Being crazy is resting a thin strand of hope on a med.

Being crazy is skipping a med.

Being crazy is running out of meds thanks to poor planning.

Being crazy is worrying about the cost of med refills.

Being crazy is not being able to start a med because it’s $500 a month.

Being crazy is wondering why the fuck the meds aren’t working today, and if it’s your fault.

Being crazy is thinking the meds will never work.

Being crazy is knowing that “the meds will never work” might be the most rational thought you have all day.

Being crazy is lonely.

(With apologies to John Scalzi.)

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